The Two Types of Sickness

I am currently in the midst of my first official, "real" illness since arriving in Japan.  Sure, I've had a couple days with headaches and other mild stuff, but on Sunday I was feeling pretty crummy, and woke up Monday with a horrendous cold that got me sent home from work.  And this morning, I woke up completely and utterly voice-less, a condition that has lasted throughout the day and threatens to remain the same way tomorrow.  I can't ever remember losing my voice this badly; at best, I can choke out an extremely forced word or two every four hours, but even those utterances are almost unintelligible.  I feel fine otherwise, but am (obviously) unable to teach, and will end up having to trade off a lot of days with other teachers.  Not having paid sick days is probably the worst thing about my job.

The cold and the lost voice have combined to give me the worst bout of homesickness I've had so far.  Now, in all honesty, any time that I get a high fever, I get super-emotional and will cry over nothing.  This last May, on the way back from an academic conference, I broke down sobbing in a car while riding with two classmates and a teacher (all of whom, thankfully, I knew very well) while stricken with the flu.  Over, quite literally, nothing.  My body does not respond well to fevers.  And not having a voice means that calling family members is an impossibility.

So I'm emotional, I can't talk to anyone, and I'm three months in to what is going to be at least a two-year stay in Japan.  I am past the point of just missing things, and to the point of longing to be back in America with friends, family, and familiarity (apologies for the unintentional alliteration).  I am already worried that when it's all said and done, they and I will have changed immeasurably, to the point that things can't be the same.  I will be back home for Christmas, but how much will things have been altered by then?  There are a thousand specific examples that I could use for this, but suffice to say, I am worried.  And I hate myself for worrying.  It's so selfish to think that people could not change, or fear that they will.  Maybe there's a better way to express what I'm feeling; I was always bad at putting that sort of thing into words.  But it's where I am right now, and I'm sure that I'll figure out a way to cope with it eventually.